Round two on the dream home. Italicized because this has absolutely become a nightmare. If my poor husband thought he was loosing hair BEFORE, ugh I can't even finish that. We are currently playing a waiting game, and the details at this point are so beyond ridiculous that no one would believe it.
She's another little charmer, with a whole lot of potential. There's not a lot left in her that's original, but there's enough there that if we make sure we use original pieces that we can hopefully pick up here and there, it'll feel like nothings ever changed. If only life were that simple.
In the last couple of years, I've lost more people than I feel is even close to being fair. Which number one, I realize is an eye roller, -fair-....hah! Two, this is hardly half the loss as some of those around me have experienced. But at some point, the pile of grief and frustration and loneliness of feeling just so lost in everything you do begins to suffocate a person, and I'm beginning to feel a weight on my chest creating a struggle to breathe.
A day short of a week ago my husband lost a high school friend, someone that while I hadn't had the chance to, 'grow to know' over the last few years as i'd like to say, was someone I was truly fond of. Brad Miller was the kind of guy that walked up to me every time I saw him, and treated me as an equal. As a friend he had always known. As someone who truly mattered. His contagious smile is stuck in my mind, and as soon as I see his face the sting of Amber, and Sara, and Ryan, all come to my chest.
The ordeal with Kevin filing with the state for unpaid wages and the waiting game with the DA on when the court date will be set, the constant up and down of we found a house, we're looking, we found a house, we're looking, the day to day struggle at a job where everyday you're told you did, well, eh, yesterday, try harder today, the constant cancer scans on my dad that hold your breath for a week or two waiting for results on whether or not the cancer has come back, the question of whether or not I feel we should spread my brothers ashes now or wait and hearing that my sister is ignoring my dad and not giving him an answer and him being stuck in a position of whether or not to move forward and risk her being upset with the outcome, or holding on to him for a little more - its just come to a point where enough is enough.
I'm very good at burying things. I like burying things. Feelings mainly. This life is not that terrible. I am very blessed. I have great friends, great family, a wonderful husband. I shouldn't complain. I stomach those complaints because I know someone out there has it so much worse than me, so why do I deserve to be sad? Why do I deserve to be depressed. Why do I deserve to cry. Why should I be anything less than happy.
I don't know.
I think that's what I struggle with most. I don't know what to do with my emotions. I don't think that its OK for me to feel hurt. I should be strong, an out stretched hand for everyone who needs a little help to get up the next day and face life with a strong sense of determination and happiness. I realize I can't fix people or situations, but for some reason I still feel like its my responsibility to at the very least try. And that certainly takes prescience over the mere 'crisis' that I encounter on a day to day basis.
But why? Why do I constantly feel like I have to fix things, be strong, don't cry. I kept tearing up at Brads funeral, and I immediatly stopped myself. "There are people here who were best friends with him, and I barely knew him. I don't deserve to be sad, this is there time." I will be the strong one. I will be the voice of reason for any emotion gone astray.
I'm so tired that I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. My strength has stretched as far as it can go, and there's nothing left for me. That terrifies me, because this certainly is not the end of life. Life is going to continue to go on around me whether I'm prepared for it or not. What happens when another tragedy, or another insane obstacle gets in the way, and I'm emotionally not there?
I'm starting to wonder, what if I lost my husband? What if I lost my brother? What if I lost my mom or dad? What happens when something that's been happening all too frequently AROUND me, happens TO me.
These thoughts are exhausting, but I know that it'll all calm down and everything will be fine. I'm a firm believer that you are only dealt the hand you can handle, but my poker face is becoming less convincing. We lay to rest our loved ones, and wish they rest in piece. But what happens when all is said and done, and we're IN pieces? Where do you even begin to start picking pieces up, and how in the world are they supposed to fit back together when so many are missing?
That void scares me the most.
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